TV Shows I Hate #2

My bad.

Growing Pains In The Ass

Alan Thicke performs a public service by strangling Tracey Gold.

Uh, this show wasn't funny. At all. But I really didn't hate it. But they had a character named "Boner". Yeah, his last name was "Stabone" (which is bad enough). But BONER? How the fuck do you create a character and call him BONER? Are you fucking KIDDING me? BONER? What, "Hard-On" was too much? How about "Stiffie"? Or "Wood"? I'm surprised they didn't give him a girlfriend and name her "Wet Pussy" or "Pokey Nipples". Oh yeah, they also had Leonardo ReallyCraprio on it for a bit. THAT certainly didn't help matters.

And why do these shows always write in a new kid? Seriously, has that EVER helped a show? It didn't help "Who's The Boss?". Or "The Partridge Family". Or "The Brady Bunch". Or "Diff'rent Strokes". IT NEVER HELPS! Hollywood, quit doing it! Just cancel the fucking show if it comes to that. Fuck, I'm surprised they didn't do it on "M*A*S*H". They could've had Hot Lips get knocked up. Ugh.

Mad About Yuppies

I'd love to....pose....with Helen Hunt.

This show was more amusing than anything. You never really laughed....but it wasn't bad. it was "clever". And "clever" is never funny. But this show wasn't TOO bad. Until that moron Paul Reiser decided that he'd start fucking around with the show. First we had Paul and Jamie start having marital problems. As Reiser explained--you know, cuz he's like, a celebrity and smart and shit--"All married couples go through a period of funk". Right. Even if that's true, who wants to WATCH that? It SUPPOSED to be a comedy. Then....the baby. WTF was THAT about? Hey, I like babies. What I DON'T like is watching two insufferable yuppies TALKING about having a baby for ten seasons. Maybe they should've invited Boner over and they could've had a threesome.

America's Funniest Home Videos

I hate you,Saget.

The animal videos were funny. Then you had the stupid videos. I'm sorry, but staged "accidental" slips AREN'T funny. People falling off roofs isn't funny. The animal videos ARE funny, and a few others were as well. But I could live with all the stupid videos to get to the good ones.....if Bob Saget hadn't been the original host. This asshole made me want to throw my television out of the window with his lame ass jokes and horrible voice overs. I remember my wife muting the television the minute he opened up his fucking mouth. I fucking hate Bob Saget. If I ever meet him, I'm going to put out my cigarette in his fucking face. The bastard ruined that show--although it was already halfway there anyway. Not even the lovely Daisy Fuentes could save it for me after that fucktard.

Saturday Night Live

It's STILL on?

This hasn't been funny since 1978. Fuck, somebody put a bullet in this garbage already. And if you have an extra, put one in that fucking guitar player, GE Smith, too. People only laugh at this because they think it makes them cool. It doesn't. Somebody should really tell them that.

Wife Swap & Trading Spaces

Billy really DOES have two mommies!

Ugh. Can we get a little MORE voyeuristic here? Yeah, let's get two completely opposite families to swap wives and mommies. Hilarity ensues. Then we all learn a lesson about appreciating each other. Kindly give me a fucking break. Two seconds after filming is completed, these assholes go back to being the miserable, worthless, unlikeable human beings they always were. Fuck this shit. I'd rather watch Chachi clip his toenails for half an hour.

Super Nanny.

Sheesh.

Has it come to THIS? We can't even teach our kids not to shoot themselves with flame throwers and bazookas? We need an English nanny to come put up such complicated rules as "Don't wee-wee on the living room carpet", "Don't hit the dog with mommy's curling iron", "Don't stick kitty in the blender" or "Don't dump battery acid in the jacuzzi"? Do these people really need outside consultation on things like this? Hey, I don't have kids, so I'm no expert. But If I DID have them, I'm pretty sure that once I saw Nyteowl Jr. toting around a nuclear warhead, somebody would be getting a spanking (although somebody would probably report me and "Child Protective Services" would have me arrested).

And I wouldn't need a fucking nanny to come over from England to engage in disarmament talks. This show is unfuckingbelievable. Nobody's likable. You can't blame the kids when you see the retarded gorillas that are "raising" them. But hey, Supernanny can solve all these problems in a week, right? Uh huh. Sure. My nightmare is that Mrs. Owl and I buy a house next to some family like this. If that happens, I'm buying some fucking pit bulls and digging a moat around the house.

Fear Factor

Another loser approaches the buffet table.

I don't really hate this show, just the fucking gross out eating contests. What does eating something that's slimy and disgusting have to do with fear? Gross doesn't equal scary. Lying down in herpes-infected earthworms isn't scary--it's just disgusting. The stunts are cool. But this eating, sitting, and lying down in maggot vomit is just stupid. I can't stand that host either, although I have no idea why. But in the end, is going through all this bullshit worth it for 50 large? I wouldn't eat a maggot burrito for 100 grand.

(originally posted 12-06-06)

Thoughts On The Brady Bunch

Cousin Oliver (Robbie Rist), ruining some other show.

So I was sitting around wondering which episode of The Brady Bunch could lay claim to being the worst. Then it came to me.

No, it wasn't when that little rodent, Cousin Oliver, joined the show. Cousin Damien was only on for what, six episodes? Sure, he squeezed a lot of deplorable lines and horrible acting into the show during that short time span, but his introduction into the cast wasn't the worst moment in this series. If the series was on life support when he around, he was merely the one who yanked the plug out of the wall and stomped on it so it couldn't be plugged back in. No, Cousin Stomach flu wasn't in the worst episode.

No, the worst episode was when the kids went on that fucking talent show as "The Silver Platters". Thanks to Jan, who ordered engraving on that platter which cost them an extra 45 bucks, they were forced to do something drastic. And that something drastic was to break the eardrums of a nation.

That was so bad, it was pure evil. I don't even remember the fucking song. I just remember watching it when I was around ten years old and actually being embarrassed that I WAS watching it. Embarrassed for myself and embarrassed for the actors who actually had to do it. They should make prisoners watch that episode over and over again instead of putting them in solitary, although that might constitute cruel and unusual punishment.

I actually loved the series though. Most people my age did, as it was extremely popular at the time with children. I do feel they blew it big time in one area, however.

The show where Marcia got hit in the nose with the football....that's the one I'm talking about. I think they should've have led the last season off with that episode and ran with it. It would've extended the series another year. Imagine: a whole season of Marcia getting smacked in the face with different objects! Here are a few ideas for those type of episodes.

Marcia getting hit in the face with Carol's diaphram.

Marcia getting hit in the face with anthrax (which would've been a great crossover show with "Medical Center").

Marcia getting hit in the face with the family station wagon.

Marcia getting hit in the face with the swing set.

Marcia getting hit in the face with the pack of smokes that were in the jacket Greg mistakingly took.

Marcia getting hit in the face with Danny Partridge (another great crossover show).

Marcia getting hit in the face with that fucking silver platter.

Marcia getting hit in the face with the pay phone the parents installed in the den.

Marcia getting hit in the face with Jan's bike.

Marcia getting hit in the face with Cindy's doll.

Marcia getting hit in the face with the floor after she falls down the stairs.

Marcia getting hit in the face with the house.

Marcia getting hit in the face with Greg's jock.

Marcia getting hit in the face with the vase Peter broke and glued back together.

Marcia getting hit in the face with a MySpace profile (and you thought the Anthrax was bad).

Marcia getting hit in the face with a lemur.

Marcia getting hit in the face with the Stanford Tree.

Marcia getting hit in the face with a manhole cover.

Marcia getting hit in the face with an "ASL".

Marcia getting hit in the face with naked elf.

Marcia getting hit in the face with a drunk male cheerleader from Ohio State University.

Marcia getting hit in the face with a sugar daddy.

Marcia getting hit in the face with a picture of Bernadette Peters.

Marcia getting hit in the face with Ty Pennington's bullhorn.

Marcia getting hit in the face with an alligator.

Marcia getting hit in the face with a bot.

Marcia getting hit with Cousin Tapeworm's diapers.

They could've even borrowed those "zap" and "pow" type of graphics they used on the old Batman series (another favorite of mine). "WUNK!" "PLAP!" "SNORK!" "BAM!"

And different cast members could throw things at her. Even Cousin Rodent could've chucked something at her (something that represented his wonderful personality, like a dirt clod). "Oh, hi cousin Ratface." Dirt clod, right in the kisser! "SWACK!"

Imagine Davey Jones doing another guest appearance and throwing a microphone at her after singing a song. "Oh! That was wonderful Davey!". "SPLAT"! Right in the mush!

And although her nose would be broken in about 11 of the episodes, she could've suffered other minor injuries as well. Dislocated shoulders, pulled muscles, black eyes, and fractured orbital sockets would've worked. Oh and sometimes her face would be fine, but the various objects would bounce off and hurt her feet and toes.

Imagine Peter, Greg, and Bobby building a hoist to haul Marcia up to the second floor when she was unconscious. They drop her, or the hoist breaks, and hilarity ensues! "WUMP!"

Right here! The perfect moment for a meat loaf to fly out of the house and nail Marcia!

"Not meat loaf again!"
KABLOWIE!

Yeah, I know. I'm horrible. But I always thought that she was really pretty. Apparently she still is. The right side of this pic is of Maureen a few years ago, when she was 49.

(originally posted 10-18-06)

TV Shows I Hate #1

Maude: Time To Change The Channel!

"WALLLLLLLTERRRRRR!!!!!!!"

Fuck you Norman Lear. 30 minutes a week of Bea Arthur on meth spouting off on topical shit. This was the great All in the Family's evil, twisted cousin. At least they didn't have big mouth burn her bra. A nation's eyesight was saved. This show introduced us to Conrad Bain, who played Yappy's neighbor. Conrad would return to rain down more horrible television upon us all in another "classic" show. BTW, Maude had put two previous husbands in the grave. Probably from eardrum trauma.

Diff'rent Strokes: Diff'rent Strokes to ruin your worrrrrrrrrrld......

"American's Most Unwanted"

And Conrad Bain comes back to torment us. Who, exactly thought of THIS affront to humanity? I didn't think they could make this pile of crap worse--and then they introduced that little red headed brat. What was his name? Sam? This kid made Cousin STD look awesome. Horrible. Absolutely horrible. Later episodes included Arnold wetting his jam-jams. Yeah, THAT'S a mental image I want.

Whatchoofuckingtalkin' bout, NBC?

The Facts Of Life: In this episode, Jo has a chip on her shoulder. Again.

Hey, Diff'rent Strokes, thanks A LOT!

You take the bad and take more bad and drink some lye and there you have The Facts of Life, The Facts of Life. A special thanks to this Diff'rent Strokes spinoff for advancing the career of George Clooney. Is he still making that acceptance speech for his Oscar, or have they dragged his arrogant ass off the stage yet? And what the fuck was Jo's problem anyway?

Shit, sorry you were born poor, but you can shut the fuck up about it anytime now.

Cop Rock: Do re fuck meeeeeee

When I think of law enforcement, I think of rock and roll!

I feel comfortable listing Crap Rock on this list even though I never saw it. Because let's face it, only about fifteen people did. Singing juries? WTF?

Blossom: Yuck.

Next up, a very special episode of Blossom.

I'd write why I hate this show, but I really don't like throwing up. And what was with that fucking hat? I'd like to add that Blah-thum's friend, Six, was cute. She would have been "hot" had she or her character been 18 when the series was filmed. As it stands, we'll call her "cute", so the local police don't come knocking at my door. NOW she probably creates more hard ons then Jenna Jamison.

Six (Jenna Van Oy) is all grown up! Oy Boy!

In my opinion-nation, she's FINE!

Joey: Joey + 0 "Friends" = Crappy Show

Joey, you should've brought you buddies to Hollywood with you.

Sorry about that last entry. Pervert Dan got out the minute he saw Jenna's recent pics. Anyway, on to Joey. Nine seasons of Joey Tribiani on "Friends" was fine. Maybe "Joey" would've been as well, had they actually had somebody add half an ounce of depth to the character. Joey wore his underwear in his apartment complex's hot tub. Ha Ha. Oh that Joey! What's really amazing is that everyone KNEW this show would turn out like it did--and they made it anyway. When he agreed to do this spinoff, Matt LeBlanc said hey, if Kelsy Grammer could portray Fraiser for so many years, he'd be happy to do the same with his character. Great attitude, but one problem: Fraser was actually a great show. This wasn't even close.

Caroline in the City: Lea Thompson is HOT.

But the show should've been called: "Caroline's Show Is Shitty".

This wasn't TOO bad for a couple of years. Not all that funny, but tolerable in NBC's Must Yawn lineup. Well, except that miserable asshole, Richard, Caroline's assistant. He wasn't funny, and nobody would ever keep such a miserable, snobby, sarcastic asshole on the payroll. But leering at Lea Thompson for half an hour wasn't exactly a bad thing. The producers kicked all the viewers in the shins, however, when they started getting Caroline and Richard together. Richard deserved a far worse fate, such as falling down an elevator shaft and having the elevator squash him. Slowly. He reminds me of all those artsy types who are so much more intellegent, sensitive and deeper than the rest of us. Like those guys who play their guitars at Starbucks. I hate them.

Charles In Charge: Chachi Loves Nicole Eggart's Body.

Chachi shows himself a little love.

Note to Hollywood: Any movie or show starring Scot Baio is destined to suck ass. What television producer looked at this guy and thought that fucking CHACHI was actually some kind of tour de force? Wow, I'm glad Hollywood has such high standards. Guy's sitting there, watching tapes of "Joanie Blows Chachi", thinking "This kid's got IT". This probably hatched in the mind of the same genius who created "Cop Rock". The producers of "Chachi In Charge" actually tried to save the wretched show by replacing the original family with a new one. Yeah, the OTHER cast members were the problem. Uh huh. Okay.

Slimy Talk Shows

Scuzzball tapes another episode.

Jerry Springer/Jenny Jones/Maury Povich/Add Name Here: Yeah, paternity tests, dating relatives, STD-infested strippers--whatever gets ratings. Garbage. And these assholes earn more in a year than we do in a decade. I'm not a big Oprah fan, but I'll take her anyday over some of these bottom feeding scumbags.

Dawson's Creek: It's Orgasmic.

They should've dumped it in that fucking creek.

I saw around seven minutes of this show. I remember what turned me off: One of the female characters came into the room and ate something. Someone asked her if she liked it. She replied, "It's orgasmic." WHAT??? What a stupid line. Maybe the stupidest line ever. I'm sure there were more, but I sure as fuck wasn't about to stick around and find out. Another show that thought it was just that much more hip and clever than it's viewers. Nice the writers didn't take into account any young kids that might've been watching. "Mommy, what does 'orgasmic' mean?" This may be a stupid reason to hate a show, but hey, it works for me. Oh, I'll throw in another: that theme song. I hated it. Naturally, it was played on the radio a thousand times a day. And of course the fucking show lasted for about thirty years.

Jackass. Finally, truth in advertising.

So stupid, it HAD to be made into a movie.

Truly, the MySpace of television shows. Like so many other insipid and moronic offerings, this garbage was belched out courtesy of MTV. Stupid people doing stupid stunts. Wow, this takes a ton of talent. It's amazing that people like this even know how to tie their own shoes. Seriously, that picture above really shows how much intelligence it takes to make something this fucking idiotic.

The Osbournes: Why?

Throw them in a lake and see if garbage floats.

Hey, idiots? How's it going? Yeah, I thought you foul mouthed freaks, wierdos, burnouts and losers would like to know one thing: everybody's laughing AT you, not WITH you. Then again, who needs dignity when you can make a few bucks, huh? Thanks a ton for THIS bag of raw sewage, MTV. But hey, to show that there's no hard feelings, here's my impersonation of--and tribute to--Ozzie: "blah slobber drool swear grunt moan slobber walk into furniture swear groan stagger mumble gurgle mutter pass out snore drool".