Maude: Time To Change The Channel!
Fuck you Norman Lear. 30 minutes a week of Bea Arthur on meth spouting off on topical shit. This was the great All in the Family's evil, twisted cousin. At least they didn't have big mouth burn her bra. A nation's eyesight was saved. This show introduced us to Conrad Bain, who played Yappy's neighbor. Conrad would return to rain down more horrible television upon us all in another "classic" show. BTW, Maude had put two previous husbands in the grave. Probably from eardrum trauma.
And Conrad Bain comes back to torment us. Who, exactly thought of THIS affront to humanity? I didn't think they could make this pile of crap worse--and then they introduced that little red headed brat. What was his name? Sam? This kid made Cousin STD look awesome. Horrible. Absolutely horrible. Later episodes included Arnold wetting his jam-jams. Yeah, THAT'S a mental image I want.
Whatchoofuckingtalkin' bout, NBC?
You take the bad and take more bad and drink some lye and there you have The Facts of Life, The Facts of Life. A special thanks to this Diff'rent Strokes spinoff for advancing the career of George Clooney. Is he still making that acceptance speech for his Oscar, or have they dragged his arrogant ass off the stage yet? And what the fuck was Jo's problem anyway?
Shit, sorry you were born poor, but you can shut the fuck up about it anytime now.
I feel comfortable listing Crap Rock on this list even though I never saw it. Because let's face it, only about fifteen people did. Singing juries? WTF?
Blossom: Yuck.
I'd write why I hate this show, but I really don't like throwing up. And what was with that fucking hat? I'd like to add that Blah-thum's friend, Six, was cute. She would have been "hot" had she or her character been 18 when the series was filmed. As it stands, we'll call her "cute", so the local police don't come knocking at my door. NOW she probably creates more hard ons then Jenna Jamison.
Sorry about that last entry. Pervert Dan got out the minute he saw Jenna's recent pics. Anyway, on to Joey. Nine seasons of Joey Tribiani on "Friends" was fine. Maybe "Joey" would've been as well, had they actually had somebody add half an ounce of depth to the character. Joey wore his underwear in his apartment complex's hot tub. Ha Ha. Oh that Joey! What's really amazing is that everyone KNEW this show would turn out like it did--and they made it anyway. When he agreed to do this spinoff, Matt LeBlanc said hey, if Kelsy Grammer could portray Fraiser for so many years, he'd be happy to do the same with his character. Great attitude, but one problem: Fraser was actually a great show. This wasn't even close.
This wasn't TOO bad for a couple of years. Not all that funny, but tolerable in NBC's Must Yawn lineup. Well, except that miserable asshole, Richard, Caroline's assistant. He wasn't funny, and nobody would ever keep such a miserable, snobby, sarcastic asshole on the payroll. But leering at Lea Thompson for half an hour wasn't exactly a bad thing. The producers kicked all the viewers in the shins, however, when they started getting Caroline and Richard together. Richard deserved a far worse fate, such as falling down an elevator shaft and having the elevator squash him. Slowly. He reminds me of all those artsy types who are so much more intellegent, sensitive and deeper than the rest of us. Like those guys who play their guitars at Starbucks. I hate them.
Note to Hollywood: Any movie or show starring Scot Baio is destined to suck ass. What television producer looked at this guy and thought that fucking CHACHI was actually some kind of tour de force? Wow, I'm glad Hollywood has such high standards. Guy's sitting there, watching tapes of "Joanie Blows Chachi", thinking "This kid's got IT". This probably hatched in the mind of the same genius who created "Cop Rock". The producers of "Chachi In Charge" actually tried to save the wretched show by replacing the original family with a new one. Yeah, the OTHER cast members were the problem. Uh huh. Okay.
Jerry Springer/Jenny Jones/Maury Povich/Add Name Here: Yeah, paternity tests, dating relatives, STD-infested strippers--whatever gets ratings. Garbage. And these assholes earn more in a year than we do in a decade. I'm not a big Oprah fan, but I'll take her anyday over some of these bottom feeding scumbags.
I saw around seven minutes of this show. I remember what turned me off: One of the female characters came into the room and ate something. Someone asked her if she liked it. She replied, "It's orgasmic." WHAT??? What a stupid line. Maybe the stupidest line ever. I'm sure there were more, but I sure as fuck wasn't about to stick around and find out. Another show that thought it was just that much more hip and clever than it's viewers. Nice the writers didn't take into account any young kids that might've been watching. "Mommy, what does 'orgasmic' mean?" This may be a stupid reason to hate a show, but hey, it works for me. Oh, I'll throw in another: that theme song. I hated it. Naturally, it was played on the radio a thousand times a day. And of course the fucking show lasted for about thirty years.
Truly, the MySpace of television shows. Like so many other insipid and moronic offerings, this garbage was belched out courtesy of MTV. Stupid people doing stupid stunts. Wow, this takes a ton of talent. It's amazing that people like this even know how to tie their own shoes. Seriously, that picture above really shows how much intelligence it takes to make something this fucking idiotic.
Hey, idiots? How's it going? Yeah, I thought you foul mouthed freaks, wierdos, burnouts and losers would like to know one thing: everybody's laughing AT you, not WITH you. Then again, who needs dignity when you can make a few bucks, huh? Thanks a ton for THIS bag of raw sewage, MTV. But hey, to show that there's no hard feelings, here's my impersonation of--and tribute to--Ozzie: "blah slobber drool swear grunt moan slobber walk into furniture swear groan stagger mumble gurgle mutter pass out snore drool".
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