Thoughts On The Brady Bunch

Cousin Oliver (Robbie Rist), ruining some other show.

So I was sitting around wondering which episode of The Brady Bunch could lay claim to being the worst. Then it came to me.

No, it wasn't when that little rodent, Cousin Oliver, joined the show. Cousin Damien was only on for what, six episodes? Sure, he squeezed a lot of deplorable lines and horrible acting into the show during that short time span, but his introduction into the cast wasn't the worst moment in this series. If the series was on life support when he around, he was merely the one who yanked the plug out of the wall and stomped on it so it couldn't be plugged back in. No, Cousin Stomach flu wasn't in the worst episode.

No, the worst episode was when the kids went on that fucking talent show as "The Silver Platters". Thanks to Jan, who ordered engraving on that platter which cost them an extra 45 bucks, they were forced to do something drastic. And that something drastic was to break the eardrums of a nation.

That was so bad, it was pure evil. I don't even remember the fucking song. I just remember watching it when I was around ten years old and actually being embarrassed that I WAS watching it. Embarrassed for myself and embarrassed for the actors who actually had to do it. They should make prisoners watch that episode over and over again instead of putting them in solitary, although that might constitute cruel and unusual punishment.

I actually loved the series though. Most people my age did, as it was extremely popular at the time with children. I do feel they blew it big time in one area, however.

The show where Marcia got hit in the nose with the football....that's the one I'm talking about. I think they should've have led the last season off with that episode and ran with it. It would've extended the series another year. Imagine: a whole season of Marcia getting smacked in the face with different objects! Here are a few ideas for those type of episodes.

Marcia getting hit in the face with Carol's diaphram.

Marcia getting hit in the face with anthrax (which would've been a great crossover show with "Medical Center").

Marcia getting hit in the face with the family station wagon.

Marcia getting hit in the face with the swing set.

Marcia getting hit in the face with the pack of smokes that were in the jacket Greg mistakingly took.

Marcia getting hit in the face with Danny Partridge (another great crossover show).

Marcia getting hit in the face with that fucking silver platter.

Marcia getting hit in the face with the pay phone the parents installed in the den.

Marcia getting hit in the face with Jan's bike.

Marcia getting hit in the face with Cindy's doll.

Marcia getting hit in the face with the floor after she falls down the stairs.

Marcia getting hit in the face with the house.

Marcia getting hit in the face with Greg's jock.

Marcia getting hit in the face with the vase Peter broke and glued back together.

Marcia getting hit in the face with a MySpace profile (and you thought the Anthrax was bad).

Marcia getting hit in the face with a lemur.

Marcia getting hit in the face with the Stanford Tree.

Marcia getting hit in the face with a manhole cover.

Marcia getting hit in the face with an "ASL".

Marcia getting hit in the face with naked elf.

Marcia getting hit in the face with a drunk male cheerleader from Ohio State University.

Marcia getting hit in the face with a sugar daddy.

Marcia getting hit in the face with a picture of Bernadette Peters.

Marcia getting hit in the face with Ty Pennington's bullhorn.

Marcia getting hit in the face with an alligator.

Marcia getting hit in the face with a bot.

Marcia getting hit with Cousin Tapeworm's diapers.

They could've even borrowed those "zap" and "pow" type of graphics they used on the old Batman series (another favorite of mine). "WUNK!" "PLAP!" "SNORK!" "BAM!"

And different cast members could throw things at her. Even Cousin Rodent could've chucked something at her (something that represented his wonderful personality, like a dirt clod). "Oh, hi cousin Ratface." Dirt clod, right in the kisser! "SWACK!"

Imagine Davey Jones doing another guest appearance and throwing a microphone at her after singing a song. "Oh! That was wonderful Davey!". "SPLAT"! Right in the mush!

And although her nose would be broken in about 11 of the episodes, she could've suffered other minor injuries as well. Dislocated shoulders, pulled muscles, black eyes, and fractured orbital sockets would've worked. Oh and sometimes her face would be fine, but the various objects would bounce off and hurt her feet and toes.

Imagine Peter, Greg, and Bobby building a hoist to haul Marcia up to the second floor when she was unconscious. They drop her, or the hoist breaks, and hilarity ensues! "WUMP!"

Right here! The perfect moment for a meat loaf to fly out of the house and nail Marcia!

"Not meat loaf again!"
KABLOWIE!

Yeah, I know. I'm horrible. But I always thought that she was really pretty. Apparently she still is. The right side of this pic is of Maureen a few years ago, when she was 49.

(originally posted 10-18-06)